And it highlights one of the great things about Not At OR – while gear may be shown at Regular OR on a one-time basis, the Not At OR system allows for a constant 24/7/365 (okay only 365 if you’re LL Bean) display of tired old products that are, like, 6-months old.

That’s right – this is the classic, retro stuff you are all crazy for. Step inside the booth…

Patagonia Booth @ Not At OR

The Rubies are special – unscarred by lift lines, they are  a wild, natural, pure, untouched by man, back to nature skiing experience.

So pure. So beautiful.

Pure and natural, that is, if big-ass helicoptors count as birds.

So pure. So beautiful.

So, ready for our big-mountain extreme adventure that would be really extreme and big, we pulled over, whipped out the skis, and…

First tracks, anyone?

…jingle-effin’-bells.  Guess “No Sno” means there ain’t any effin’ snow.

BTW: No Sno’s sponsors – Chevron, Exxon, Halliburton and Coal Cares! – worked extra hard this year to wonk the climate and make No Sno possible. Thx Guys! : )

So what’s a guy to so when he can’t gear test?

Beer test.

The Guy (and team Deviant 9 – aka “the ride”) lined some up – Pliny the Elder, Sierra Nevada’s new Ruthless Rye, and that fine American Lager – Michelob Ultra. The they went – you got it – head to head.

Of all the beers The Guy opened during this backcountry test, one stood out. Of course, only one was opened. And when it learns of its top ranking, it loses its head…

After three days of heavy, wet snow, 2.5 days of freezing rain, and 1.5 days of no electricity in the Seattle area – where G(s)NAOR aren’t afraid of driving conditions but are terrified of other Puget Sound drivers – the chaos of OR could have been a mellow vacation.

But fear not, NAOR fanatics. The Guy(s) have some great gear news.

Facing the horrific conditions described above, Guy2 found himself turning to his Pro Palm.

WAIT! That’s a glove — get your mind out of the gutter! Or rather, get it into the right gutter. When breaking ice dams out of house gutters to prevent melt-water from backing up under shingles, you need MadGrips Pro Palm Knucker gloves.

This rubberized knit gloves work well to help you scoop an assortment of slush, ice and semi-rotted leaves and pine needles out of clogged gutters. The rubber coating on the palm  and finger ensures that all that ice water that run in around your wrist will stay in close contact with you hands. In that way you quickly benefit from cold-numbed hands and you easily forget about the pain when slabs of ice break off the roof and side into the side of your head, shoulders, or down the neck of your jacket.

Best of all, when you are done breaking ice dams, you have great satisfaction in peeling the Pro Palms off your hands (along a good portion of YOUR palm and finger tips) and throwing them briskly into the trash. Disposing of gear has never been so satisfying!

A 'clean' gutter -- or rather, a gutter clear of ice!

Fortunately, Guy2 (G2) plans to enjoy the local snow in his backyard rather than wallow in the Utah mud with the rest of the industry players. He’ll even get Dog2 out in the snow without having to venture too far from a good supply of  Walla Walla reds and farm-cured bacon!

That’s right! Fresh snow, excellent red wines, and fresh-made craft-style bacon whenever I want it. You guys at OR can keep your rain, Utah 3.2 beer, and warming trays full of pre-cooked paper-thin bacon slices at industry breakfasts served WAY too earlier in the day.

When I get around to it, I’ll share some of this season’s Gear Not at OR! You won’t want to miss it. First, though, I’ve got to pull another cork and build my BLT for dinner. Stay tuned….

Packed airports, lost luggage, delayed flights, Southwest line-ups, late-night arrivals, $100 airport parking tabs, and rolling right back to work – The Guy(s) feel your pain.

Not.

Okay, a little.       Welcome home.

Now get back to work.

Anyway, G1 is throwing this simple piece of gear into the ring as his nominee for Gear of Not At OR.

Utilizing the revolutionary innovation of AST – Advanced Sign Technology – this pinnacle of innovation combines revolutionary “picture” technology with innovative”word” technology. Like nothing else, this piece of gear tells a story and performs as intended. The Guy(s) could go on, but let AST tell the story:

Excellent. Let's Ski. (Hey - is that Pacman driving that snowmobile?)

Love it. Has all of the joyful elements of “Free Beer” with the terse simplicity of “No Trespassing”. Good work to everyone at Tahoe National Forest.

And seriously – welcome back from the Salt Palace, everyone.

xoxox, G1.

Upstart Sophie, dubbed D2, edged out perennial favorite Odin – though Odin maintains D1 status among the Dog(s) Not At OR.

“Odin will kick Sophie’s ass – or at least sniff it thoroughly,” said D1 housemate G1. “Sure, Sophie has support from Ruffwear, but Ollydog is solidly supporting Odin. Still,  Sophie – the bitch –  clearly squeezed support out of her massive Facebook exposure. ” Sophie, reveling in her femininity, embraced the D2 bitch title – as long as it meant she could continue to play in the snow.

Sophie, a 19-month-old yellow lab, spent much of her time Not At OR rousting rodents out of the snow around the Ranch in Cashmere, Wash. “She’s like a coyote,” said G2. “She hears the mice under the snow, then rears up and pounces: spearing her head into the drifts to snag the squeaky treats.”

For her part, Sophie/D2 merely wants to play with Odin/D1. She’s happy to yield superiority to D1 – or any dog – as long as she can PLAY!

“Just throw the damn ball!!!” says Sophie!

Meet SuperSlack.

First – why slacksports at the Winter Not At OR?  Cuz G1 is stuck with some serious hey-that-Al-Gore-guy-may-be-on-to-something weather:

Nice weather. For Florida. Or Frog Boiling.

So The Guy(s) hit the No-Sno Demo at the Old Highway 49 Bridge spanning the South Yuba, and gave SuperSlack, the new rage in dude-check-this-out sports, a ride.

So what’s the diff? Slacklining is slack, but SuperSlack cranks it to the next level by taking every shred of tension out of the line. The SuperSlack dude told The Guy(s) that, “The slacker the line, the tougher the traverse, so this is the most extreme slackosity we could achieve. Bro.”

By leaving the line limp, this “extreme slackosity” is achieved. The Guy(s) admired the simple genius of this innovative new technology. “Simple, dude” commented G1. “Genius, bro” commented G2 between bites of bacon.

The Guy(s) were suitably impressed. First thing The Guy(s) noticed was the set-up: super easy. A superslackline only needs to be anchored on one end – a second anchor would only add tension and decrease the integrity of the line.

SuperSlackline Ready for Action. Limp to the Extreme. Just like - never mind.

G1 hopped up and started his ride.Wobbly at first, thanks to the couple – or 3 – Four Lokos G1 had for breakfast, G1 quickly found his stride.

Both The Guy(s) noted that the learning curve is pretty, uh, slack – picking this up is quick, making it attractive to newbies as well as long-time slackers.

Sweet SuperSlacking, Bro. (PS @TNF: The shirt's just for fun. Please don't sue. Thx.)

Safety issues do exist – for example, with only one anchor point, the slacker needs to be aware of where the line lies (see figure 1).

Fig. 1, bro: Just Cuz It's Slack, Don't Mean It Ain't Dangerous - Always Look Where You Lay Your Line Before Stepping On.

Extreme slackosity means the line has a mind of its own. This is a sport that relies on gravity, and gravity can hurt.

But The Guy(s) noted that  – once one gets the hang of it – this is a fun, safe sport that only requires minimal attention. Just like driving.

SuperSlacking while Texting? Cake. Hell, You Can SuperSlack While Drinking a Four Loko. Just Like Driving.

The Guy(s) were so enthused they decided to go into business. While ordinary (and soooo Summer Market 2009) slackline kits hover in the $75 – $150 range, The Guy(s) are selling their new superslick SuperSlack kits for only $50. Cash or check. And there’s the NoShow Special: free shipping for all orders placed at Not At OR, bro.

Slacklining is Tight, Bro, and the category is growing faster than pre-2008 Las Vegas. Check What’s New in the world of  this fast growing sport(?) – Clotheslining, Jerklining, Mainlining, and – the big buzzee – SuperSlack.

Mammut? Gibbon? Trango? Why drop bank on their kits when you get mom to set this up for you?

Clotheslining – an easy one for the neophyte. Hang your $100 nylon-webbing kit between two trees, then – instead of the overly-arduous challenge of walking – you hang freshly washed, yet still wet, socks and underwear. This is definitely a fair-weather slack, and is not to be confused with the more athletic form of clotheslining.

Mainlining – not fun and not a sport. Unless it’s coffee and you’re not really shooting up.

Jerklining – finally, something seasonal. This one is simple, just locate some freshly laid ski tracks. They can found where cross-country skiers congregate.

Nice line - time to get jerking...

Strap on your snowshoes, then – carefully, heel-toe, heel-toe, heel-toe – walk along the line the skis created for you. Especially fun when your line is first-track fresh.

Well jerked! Go have a Red Bull.

Tomorrow? The Big New Slacker Star – SuperSlack, slacklining’s ultra awesome new challenge.

Whoa! Check these out! Cruising the aisles of Not At OR, The Guy(s) stumbled across Valerie’s Furry Boots (VFB). Utilizing the proven – and completely renewable –  insulation technology of animal fur and fleece, these VFB’s are sure to be a BFD.  Fashion first? Probably. But high-performance performance is built in. The Guy(s) pulled Valerie over for a quick sit-down for the low-down. Most of (what follows comes from poorly written notes and addled memory, and is not subject to accuracy):

The Guy(s): Footwear. So you’re from Portland, then? G1 went to college in Portland, and G2 lives in Washington which is like Portland’s Canada.

Valerie: I’m not from Portland.

The Guy(s): Okay. Not Portland. That’s okay. We’re cool with that. Moving on then. So, tell us about those VFB’s – what’s the BFD?

Valerie: They’re very high quality – but I think that was by accident. They’re definitely fashion-first. But somehow the quality is built in – it’s a great combination of Brunhilda function with Sergio flair.

Caveman Couture? Innovative Technologies? Bad Ass Boots? Whatever - These Are SHOWSTOPPERS!

Guy(s): Suggested retail?

Valerie: Suggested? $150. But we have a great sourcing team and were able to get our costing down to $30.

Guy(s): Drawbacks?

Valerie: It’s like wearing an animal. I actually have to comb them.

Guy(s): Keen, Merrell, Baffin, Kamik – OR is crowded with footwear – where do you see VFB’s slotting in?

Valerie: We’re at Not At OR.

Guy(s): Right – we knew that.

Valerie: But to answer, I would point out that these combine ancient technology with stone-age fashion. VFB’s are the one and only, industry leading, Caveman Classics.

Guy(s): Thanks.

Well, hit The Guy(s) with a club and drag them to a cavern. Or tavern. Their appetite is whetted for more ShowStoppers! as the days unwind…